Power Bottoms
by MetaDash
Summary: One pondering question from Patricia sparks a debate about the nature of Konata and Kagami's relationship, and adding in more people to settle the issue only serves to complicate it further. And applying anime terminology doesn't help in the slightest. Mentioned Konata/Kagami, crack-ish, one-shot.


**Power Bottoms**

It was supposed to be a regular (peaceful) lunchtime at Ryoo High, but one question, phrased so innocently, would cause it to be anything but.

"Which one do you think is the seme?"

Hiyori Tamura, underclassman and local doujinshi artist, nearly spit out her drink. She was sitting across from the girl that had asked, and said girl was looking at Konata Izumi and Kagami Hiiragi very intently.

"W-What are you talking about, Patricia?"

Patricia Martin tapped the table with her fingers, blue eyes still looking at the two girls with the same curiosity. Being a transfer student from America, she didn't have the same restraint or modesty as the other three girls sitting with her.

"I mean….out of Konata-sempai and Kagami-senpai…"

"Don't repeat the question!" Hiyori hissed. Her red eyes looked nervously at the youngest member of the group, one Yutaka Kobayakawa, who was a cousin of Konata.

"Seme?" She asked innocently. Yutaka looked to her closest friend, the fourth of the group: Minami Iwasaki. She was the tallest of the group and had the smallest bust size (much to her embarrassment), and she wasn't in the best position to answer.

"Um….what Patricia means….is…."

"I mean, someone has to be the seme, and someone has to be the uke! Hiyorin, don't tell me you've never thought of it!"

Resisting the urge to draw visual aids, Hiyori preemptively took out a tissue to block any possible nose blood.

"Well….yeah…..but, you know…."

"But what's a seme and what's an uke?" Yutaka asked again, this time with more fervor.

"How to explain….got it! In a relationship, the seme is the one who tops, and the uke is the one who-"

"That's not right!"

"It's not?"

Hiyori shook her head (Minami was giving her and Patricia a look for making this situation _more_ complicated to explain to their small friend) and began to explain.

"The seme doesn't always have to be on top. They can have control from the bottom!"

"Ohhhh right! But then, which one is Konata?"

"Heh, I'm sure we have the same guess, Patty…"

Both girls smiled and opted to give their answer in unison.

"The seme / the uke!"

Minami's blue eyes darted from Hiyori to Patricia, who were _both_ surprised at the fact that they did _not_ have the same guess. She glanced at Yutaka, who was now completely lost.

"Are you nuts? Kagami-senpai has that aggressive edge that would make anyone, boy or girl, be receptive to their demands!"

"But Konata-senpai gets away with teasing her all of the time!"

Hiyori thought for a few seconds, but wasn't convinced. "You can't bring the tsundere factor into this! Semes and ukes operate independently of the dere ratio!"

"It has _everything_ to do with it, Hiyorin! Look, picture it this way: say they were alone….candles lit everywhere, the mood set juuuuust right, with no one to bother them…."

Blood was already starting to leak from the artist's nose, but the tissue was applied in time.

"…..who would be on top?"

"Kagami." Hiyori insisted.

"Top of….each other? Why? Are they having a sleepover?" Yutaka cocked her head, but Minami was really starting to dislike the turn of this conversation.

"That could work, but Konata could also be a power bottom!"

Silence.

"A…. _what_?" Hiyori's try-not-to-draw senses were failing miserably, and she was already reaching into her schoolbag.

"Power bottom! They're on the bottom, but they have the control!"

"Power? My cousin isn't a machine…." Yutaka turned to Minami for the answer, who just sighed. Her eyes pleaded at Hiyori to end this argument as soon as possible.

"Yeah she does…."

Or prolong it by muttering the affirmative dreamily, thinking of some good doujin material.

"Hey! You gals look like you're talking about something intense!"

The four turned to see two more upperclassmen, belonging to Kagami's class: Misao Kusakibe and Ayano Minegishi.

"We are! Misao-senpai, you'd probably agree. Is Konata a power bottom?"

"That wasn't the original argument!" But Hiyori was already drawing at a rapid pace, not focused enough to correct Patricia any more than that.

"The squirt?"

"What on earth is a power bottom?" Ayano asked, puzzled.

"A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of accepting a large amount of power." Minami said almost robotically, gesturing to Yutaka. This couldn't keep going, but at least being literal would save Yutaka's innocence.

"No, no, Iwasaki, you've got it backwards. A power bottom _generates_ the power, and clearly, that can't be from Izumi."

"Why?" Patricia wanted to find out the answer more than ever.

"Because she's too small!" Misao replied, stopping to laugh obnoxiously. "She wouldn't be able to get at everything, y'know?"

"Are toys included in this equation?"

"They are included."

Minami silently groaned, because Yutaka looked like she understood, Ayano looked like she definitely _didn't_ understand, and Hiyori had four tissues stuffed into her nose as she drew.

"Cousin has a lot of neat toys from her favorite animes…..I think she has a Haruhi Suzumiya figurine on her shelf!"

"Oh _god_!" Hiyori bit her hand as she started to draw the signature armband of the SOS chief.

"Hahahahaha! Not quite what we're talking about, squirt. So it's settled. Hiiragi is the power bottom, while Izumi is the submissive top."

"Isn't the last term a contradiction? How can you top _and_ be submissive?" Ayano asked.

"Can we talk about the weather?" Minami asked, desperate.

"Because Hiiragi would hurt Izumi if she was on top! Y'know, because of her weight problems."

Misao dodged an invisible punch from the not-there Kagami.

"Wait, wait…" Patricia took out a sheet of paper. "Physical weight is included in the seme-uke equation? Dere Ratio times Romantic Nature divided by Height.."

"Dere….what?" Yutaka frowned. "You said that earlier. Is a tsundere a seme, Patricia-san?"

"Yes! It is scientific proof that the tsundere is always the seme!" The American said proudly.

"That's not right!" Hiyori said, blood leaking through the tissues. "A tsundere is more complex than that! They have the moments of being abrasive, but they have the moments of being insecure or tender!" More blood came out when she said "tender".

"Tsundere? Pfft. They're just girls that yell 95% of the time and act all shy 5% of the time," Misao snorted, thinking of Kagami.

Yutaka gasped in understanding, but Minami's headache was only getting worse.

"Misao, that's a gross oversimplication. You don't have to be female to be a tsundere," Ayano countered.

"Guys, guys, we're getting off topic! Let's see…."

Patricia's head spun around, but she eventually saw the better half of Kagami walking past their table – Tsukasa Hiiragi, her fraternal, younger, shyer (read: definitely an uke) twin.

"Tsukasa-senpai!" She called out. "Over here!"

The twin blinked, pointed to herself, but quickly made her way over to the other girls. She smiled at all of the familiar faces.

"Hello, everyone….I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

"We're just talking."

Patricia gestured Tsukasa to sit, and she managed to squeeze in next to Minami.

"Honest question…who do you think is more commanding? Konata or your sister?"

"C-Commanding? That'd be my sister, I guess…..wait, she tells you all to do your math homework too?"

"Yes," Misao said with annoyance.

"Nope," Ayano said with pride.

"Uhh, different question. Who is more confident in…..um, sticky situations?"

Hiyori was running out of tissues.

"Hmmmm…..you mean when you have to do a problem on the chalkboard? Let's see….Kona-chan would probably stall Kuroi-sensei as hard as she could, but my sister would solve it in a minute or so!"

"Ha! Looks like that proves it, Martin!"

"No it doesn't! Tsukasa…..would you say your sister is a power bottom?"

"Can we talk about…y-yaoi?" Minami asked, now _really_ desperate.

"Minami-san, what's yaoi?"

"Boys love. You know, they kiss, one of them takes their shirt off, and then-"

"What Misao _is trying_ to say," Ayano began, face flushed and angry at her short friend, "is that yaoi is a male topic, so we don't need to talk about it here."

"Oh….okay."

Meanwhile, Tsukasa looked like she had the answer. "Oh, that's right, she did gain a few pounds recently…u-um, don't tell her I s-said that! I-Ignore me!"

But she didn't even understand the question, like Yutaka.

"Wait, we shouldn't ask you! You might be biased because she's your sister….."

Patricia looked around, and spotted the energetic sensei to Tsukasa, Konata, and Miyuri Takara: Nanako Kuroi.

 _Oh please don't tell me you're going to ask her..._ Minami thought, now fearful. "Please….P-Patricia….I think w-we've had enough…"

"Kuroi-sensei!"

Minami banged her head on the table, wishing the lunch period would just end already. Hiyori was still drawing, now blocking out everything else around her, and Yutaka was just following along as best she could. Which wasn't a lot. Or at all.

"What's up, girls?" Nanako grimaced at one step and looked down. "Ewww, there's blood on the floor? Stupid janitors can't even do their jobs…."

"Sensei, we need to settle this debate! Izumi, Hiiragi, top, bottom, go!" Misao shouted.

Nanako took one look at Tsukasa before cracking a dopey smile.

"What kind of question is that, Kusakibe? Hiiragi is such a bottom, she sleeps under the dirt! But I thought Izumi was with her sister?"

Tsukasa looked very confused, so it definitely felt like she was in one of Kuroi's lessons.

"We _were_ talking about her sister."

"Oh god _incest subtext_ ….!" Hiyori scribbled furiously, all of the tissues now colored red.

"Oh! In that case…..hmm…damn, that's a tough one. Izumi is a sly one, but only Hiiragi can motivate her to actually bother doing her work instead of copying Takara….maybe she should sub for me one of these days…."

"What's incest, Minami-san?"

"You…it's…how do you….does not compute, _does not compute_ , **_does not comp_** -"

"Stop with the Nagato impression, Iwasaki!" Misao exclaimed.

"What?! Misao-senpai, how much anime do you even watch? Nagato does _not_ speak like that!"

"Hah! I don't watch anime all day like you girls, I do something productive with my time! Play video games until 3 AM!"

"No wonder why you and Izumi both fail my tests…." Nanako deadpanned.

"Could we get back on topic? In the relationship, who takes the lead, Kuroi-sensei? Is it Konata, or is it Kagami?"

"I thought we were talking about sex."

At that, Ayano blushed furiously, Misao laughed again, Patricia tsk'd, Yutaka blinked, Minami was ready to rip her ears off, and Hiyori was dangerously close to needing a blood transfusion.

"If we're not, then it's Izumi. Hiiragi would be too….what's the word again?"

"Tsun-tsun!"

"No!" Patricia and Hiyori both yelled, startling Misao (who had answered).

"No?"

"Dere is the shy side, tsun is the aggressive side!" Patricia shouted, banging the table for emphasis.

"The _what?_ Kobayakawa, what the heck are they talking about?"

"Oh, sensei, it's easy! I've finally figured it out!"

Everyone stared at Yutaka.

"You have?" Hiyori asked, finishing her drawing.

"You have?" Patricia asked, looking at the milk she had spilled when she banged too hard.

"You…..have?" Minami asked, her sanity returning somewhat.

"Yes! You see, we've been trying to figure out who generates more power, my cousin or Kagami-san. At first I wanted to say my cousin because she watches a lot of TV, right? So she absorbs the electric signals from the set! Add it to the computer games, and she's like a living battery!"

Yutaka pointed to the ceiling's florescent lights.

"So she sleeps on top of Kagami-san to give her some power, so she can function. Buuut…she actually gives more than my cousin does! Because Kusakibe-senpai explained that she gives out 95% of the power in the system through yelling sound waves, while 5% is what she accepts! 95 plus 5 equals 100!"

Tsukasa muttered to herself, counting on her fingers. When she verified the equation, she nodded, her scattered attention now focused on the small girl.

"And then…."

 _There's a "and then"?_ Ayano, Nanako, Misao, Hiyori, and Patricia all thought together.

"She sleeps on _her_ to transfer the power and continue the system! Hence….a power bottom! But Kagami-san can't sleep too long on her because of her higher weight – which accommodates the extra power!"

"…what?"

"….what?"

"…..what?"

"Oh! That makes perfect sense, Yu-chan!" Tsukasa hit her palm with her other fist. "Sensei, can we use that little trick on the next test?"

Bewildered at Yutaka's explanation, Nanako could only mutter a "I teach _history_ , Hiiragi…."

"…."

"I guess that explains it, then," Patricia said.

"It does?" Hiyori asked, having stopped drawing.

"Yeah. We're so gonna fail that science test."

XXXXX

"Geez….what are they talking about? Tsukasa's been sitting there for five minutes now…." Kagami squinted at the scene before her. "Is that Misao and Ayano over there?"

"Kagamin, it's your turn."

"Huh?"

Konata smirked as she pointed to her watch.

"Aww…..fine! I guess _you_ can be the seme for a little while…."

"That's _Mistress_ Konata to you."

What? Who said the roles were permanent?

 **FIN**

 **Ending notes: This idea was playing around my head all day. Short and full of innuendos, just the way I like it! And if you can guess where the title comes from, you win some nice Kona/Kaga fanart that I drew!**

 **...okay I can't draw, so I'll give you an internet cookie instead.**


End file.
